I know you are trying your hardest and i apologized for being unkind but i really cannot help feeling a deep sense of frustration.

What a crazy weekend with my emotions on a perpetual rollercoaster.
Had a chilling out saturday night halloween party at my place with friends eating tow huey, sausages, chips, salad with smoke salmon, cheese, bread, beer and drinks, watching silly horror movies. Not sure if everyone had fun cos everyone looked really tired. Must apologize to those who didn't really fancy watching horror movies. Maybe we should have a comedy night instead. Actually got some little costume thingies which i wanted to let everyone wear, but judging from the mood and my own insipid attitude, i think the stuff can be saved for next year.

Yes.
Looks like London is off too.
Now what am i left with?

Ok.
Aussie is off.
So London here i come!

Think i am coming down with something.
Sniff.
Cough.
Seems like my parents too.

Some habits are hard to break.

My cat is shredding fur like rain.
Doc say it's normal since singapore doesn't have four seasons.

Some memories and thoughts are ingrained into your mind.
Seeped into your subconscious.
Its not something you have control of.
Its an insidious presense which leaves a slimy film over your reality.
Its pervasive.
Its subversive.
It does not eat away the original healthy memories.
Only seeking to perfect it into a mutated form.
A thinking parasite.
It grows with you.
It grows into you.
There is no cure but you may survive with it in co-existent if only you removed every other healthy living memories.
It can sustain you but when you attempt to start rebuilding, it will start attacking your infrastructure and weaken you even more.
You have to remain passive.
You cannot fight it.
To survive,
perhaps is to lose control.

I think...

Realization no 47:

I have not stopped counting the days.

Its been 161 days.

Realization no 46:

I have a very good memory which i have absolute no control of.

Realization no 45:

I have a very good memory.

Anything and everything can be a habit.
Having coffee every morning.
Jogging.
Smoking.
Drinking.
Clubbing.
If we want to and try, we can make new habits.
I can try to blog everyday.
I will go jogging each evening.
Roller blading every weekend.
Go for yoga on saturday.
Seeing you.
Or perhaps not seeing you.
Talking on the phone.
Smsing.
Logging on. Surfing webs.
And sometimes when we try hard enough, we can break our habits.
Quit smoking.
Quit drinking.
Quit sitting on my butt watching tv every night.
Quit logging on.
Quit seeing you.

Little habits i noticed for myself.
Brushing my teeth every morning and every night.
Visiting the toilet after meals.
Looking at my phone the minute i wake up.
Calling you.
Not calling you.

I am going to make new habits.

I am always saying "I understand".
But really.
What do i really understand?

Watched Changing Lanes alone last night.
Its my usual movie cum sushi dinner thing by myself.
Have not done that in ages.
The solitude was overpowering for a bit during dinner.
And i wonder what am i suppose to say to myself.
Then came the movie and it took the necessity of confronting myself out the window.
I am not sure i am ready to be my own friend again yet after being my own enemy for so long.
But i will try.

Past week.

Busy busy busy.
Had to help plan the script and what nots of filming one of my kids for a presentation at a conference.
That's really just extra work.
Not to say i am complaining, after all, i am glad to be given that kind of responsibility.
Just tiring at times.
Then was specifically "requested" by big boss to emcee for our volunteer appreciation day together with my collegue despite her wanting us to reprise our D&D performance again next friday. Its really crazy to have to prepare all that while we are having case conference. Not to mention emcee-ing.
Urgh.
Can't say no i guess.
I want to sit down and have dinner for once in peace.
Sigh.

Finished all my case conference reports.
Hurrah!
Then of course, there are the referral reports i have to finish.
Oh what the heck.
I need a mini break ( to quote bridget jones).

The yoga teacher asked us to think of one positive thing in our lives in that moment.

And i thought that I am glad to be alive now.
Who will take care of ruski if i am gone?

Went to a yoga class on saturday.
Definitely something i want to continue with, even though my bones felt like its fallen apart.
I particularly enjoy the deep breathing exercises.
I must say i never breathe so well before.

Suddenly i felt, for a short period of time, important to you.
Perhaps for a while i believed you were afraid to lose me.
It came and passed.
I must have been dreaming.

How does it feel to be in my shoes?
No.
Sorry.
You can't be in my shoes.
You are only standing approximately near my shoes.
How would know how that feels?

Somedays its easy to forget.
Others are easy to remember.
How that will affect us i do not know.
Yet, like you, i can only try.

Do you want to go fly kite?

thus far...

went to a couple of art events.
no. not the opening of the esplanade.
instead, there was the art fair at suntec where he has a piece of work being displayed last thursday.
then there was the ongoing worm festival at pkw where we caught two perfomance art by an artist from indonesia.
there was also the 3 table steamboat dinner on saturday night.
sunday we spent the morning buying running shoes for him at queenstown
then the rest of the afternoon at the bird park checking out the birds.
was horribly crowded due to some family day event.
monday night, a night of tables overturning on some.
tonight, had dinner with friends at turf city and went shopping at giant.
got tomato juice.
from now till the rest of the week, suddenly laden with unsuspected work which required urgent attention.

now, suddenly my cat is licking my emptied glass of tomato juice.

I hate pink.
I hate yogurt.
And...
I should be working.

Man.
I wished i went out for pool instead of being stuck at home doing work.

Hmm.
That's rare.
Stuck at home doing work.
Usually i am just stuck at home.
Heh.

Strange to have people ask me out
and for me to say i can't go
because i have work.

Yes.
Work.

Oh yes.
It's case conference again.

Yes.

Shiver me timbers...
'nd a hardee har har

One of those mondays that really drives you bonkers.

Saturday 5th October 2002

Happy Birthday to You.
To think i can actually spend another birthday with you.
Its strange.

Watched monsoon wedding on friday night.
Good fun.
Makes you feel like getting up and dancing round trees.

I cannot imagine why everything have to be quite so fucked up this year.

What the hell is wrong now?

Perhaps i should just quit.

Right.
9 done.
That's 26 and 6 more to go.

Its hard to say for sure what is Ok and what is not.
I think we are all trying to be understanding here.
Aren't we?
And we all have our good days.
Our bad days.

"Thank you for always supporting me whatever i do. All this time."

Thank you for letting me.

No one can tell what will happen tomorrow.

Think tomorrow after my visa thing, lunch, shopping, i will drop by La salle and find out about their oil painting part-time course for next term before popping down to the garage. Should be fun since i have long wanted to learn the rudimentary skills of oil painting.

Yes.
I guess you can say that i am preoccupied.

The vet also say my cat is super manja.

My cat went to the vet.
He got mad cos he hates jab.

Right.
I propose that every week should have a day like this.
Where one of your workday will be a half day.
Where you can go bowling and shooting pool with your colleagues and friends.
Where you can call up folks and gloat about not working.
Where you can sit by the cafe with young people playing truant from school.

And its doubly sweet when it is a monday!

And guess what?
Tomorrow is a holiday as well.

Ha ha ha.

I am supposed to be busy but i haven't done any shit.